TABLE OF CONTENTS:

PROLOGUE: Coming to our Senses: One Mother’s Story
CHAPTER ONE: Making Sense of Our Senses
CHAPTER TWO: Betrayed by Their Senses: Dysfunctional Sensory Integration
CHAPTER THREE: The Prevailing Sensibility: Sensory Processing Problems and Psychiatric Diagnosis
CHAPTER FOUR: A Sense of Hope: How Change Happens
CHAPTER FIVE: Thinking Sensibly: No Two Brains Are the Same
CHAPTER SIX: Helping Your Child to Help Himself
CHAPTER SEVEN: There’s No Place Like Home
CHAPTER EIGHT: Surviving and Thriving at School
CHAPTER NINE: Twenty-First Century Kid Culture: The World of Peers
CHAPTER TEN: Making Sense of Sensory Integration:
What We Know and What We Don’t
EPILOGUE: Turning Around: A Look at Two Boys

EXCERPTS:

From Chapter Three: The Prevailing Sensibility: Sensory Processing Problems and Psychiatric Diagnosis

The young mother of an unmanageable 4-year-old boy rattled off a list of situations in which her son was likely to throw a temper tantrum: getting dressed, brushing his teeth, washing his hair, eating a meal, moving through the day, preparing for bed. “We have to negotiate everything with Tony,” she said. “That’s all we do.”

Her training as a teacher led her to believe that her son was bright. She called him a “computer wiz,” and he was already reading. She was impressed by his quick sense of humor, cracker-jack memory, and exceptional attention span. She felt certain that he understood what he should be doing; nevertheless, he never seemed to be doing what he should.

She and her mother, an elementary school principal, had no idea what to make of Tony’s constant commotion. “He’s always angry,” she marveled. “He never stops whining and crying.” Her husband was puzzled, as well. Was Tony jealous of his 10-month-old brother? Was he unhappy with his babysitter? Was he just a difficult child?

Tony himself was full of good intentions and promises that he couldn’t keep. No sooner would he sincerely proclaim, “I want to be good,” than he would suddenly throw a tantrum about something. Seemingly unprovoked, he would refuse to sit at the dinner table, put on his shirt, or let his mother clip his fingernails or blow-dry his hair. How could he behave when so many things upset him? The sun was too bright. His shoes were too tight. Even ice cream was too cold.

Now he found himself wedged between his parents on a therapist’s couch, listening to their descriptions of his uncooperative, out-of-bounds behavior. Hearing his mother ask this stranger if she is a bad mother. Watching his father shrug his shoulders. Feeling the helplessness in the air and wondering why, once again, he was in trouble. There sat Tony, like so many other children who have been in the same position.

 

From Chapter Seven: There’s No Place Like Home

Another way to emphasize the positive in your relationship with your child is to de-emphasize the negative by letting go of the little things. “I don’t struggle anymore if I know John can’t handle something.” Said Diane, the mother of a 5-year-old with sensory modulation difficulties. “I make other arrangements. Recognizing this has been most helpful.” She was sitting in Karen G.’s office on a snowy winter day describing how her understanding of John’s sensory processing difficulties had reduced the tension in her family. Before she knew that he had sensory processing problems, her insistence that he follow her directions sometimes led to full-blown temper tantrums in which she was hit or bitten. Now her understanding of him has shifted, and she doesn’t get drawn into as many battles. For example, when John refused to wear a shirt because it was “too sleeve-y,” Diane accepted his reality and helped him think of a solution. By avoiding a power struggle, she taught him that he could exercise some control over a threatening situation. It was a beginning lesson for John in how to express the emotions that get stirred by his sensory sensitivities.

Like many parents we have worked with, Diane has learned to ease up on some of her expectations. “I’ve learned to weigh things,” she said. “To balance how hard something is for John against how important it is that he do it. It’s amazing how much we ask our children to do that really isn’t that important!” We wholeheartedly endorse her philosophy. It reminds us of the advice once given to Karen S. by an older friend: You don’t have to attend every argument to which you are invited. We would add: Please don’t. Every day, there are many opportunities to get locked in a power struggle with your child, but what will be lost is the goodwill you have invested in your relationship. Let go of the little things. Learn to live with annoying but acceptable behaviors.

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